It's time for the final challenge of Rachael Harrie's awesome campaign. There were a few new twists to this one. I chose to take the 5 prompts and incorporate them all into a flash fiction of 200 words. Hope you enjoy it!
Raina and Sanjay looked at each other. Their faces drained of color.
"You saw it?" Sanjay asked.
"It was coming at us! Is it gone?" Raina whispered, peering through the rain. But the apparition had vanished.
"Your leg!" Sanjay pointed.
Red liquid streamed from her thigh. Raina looked down. She didn't know why, but blood flowed from a deep gash above her knee. She hobbled to the pillar of rusting iron supporting the remains of the bridge and slumped down.
Sanjay sat beside her,his black hair dripped from the downpour.
"We never should have come! We're not supposed to be here in the rain," Sanjay sobbed.
Raina could see the skin under his eyes tighten with worry. But they had come. And what they saw...the golden aura of swiring light, the rain transforming and coalescing its droplets into distinct shapes suspended above them.
It couldn't have been real, could it? But it had hovered and realigned to form an ominous creature. Frozen with fear they had crouched in the junk heap and watched it approach.
"We'll be ok Sanjay."
"Isn't this the same bridge..."
"Yeah, it's where you last played football with father. Don't worry we'll find them."
***
Hope you liked it! I would love to get your honest critiques. Don't forget to check out all of the other great entries!
Kathy :)
"Rain"
Raina and Sanjay looked at each other. Their faces drained of color.
"You saw it?" Sanjay asked.
"It was coming at us! Is it gone?" Raina whispered, peering through the rain. But the apparition had vanished.
"Your leg!" Sanjay pointed.
Red liquid streamed from her thigh. Raina looked down. She didn't know why, but blood flowed from a deep gash above her knee. She hobbled to the pillar of rusting iron supporting the remains of the bridge and slumped down.
Sanjay sat beside her,his black hair dripped from the downpour.
"We never should have come! We're not supposed to be here in the rain," Sanjay sobbed.
Raina could see the skin under his eyes tighten with worry. But they had come. And what they saw...the golden aura of swiring light, the rain transforming and coalescing its droplets into distinct shapes suspended above them.
It couldn't have been real, could it? But it had hovered and realigned to form an ominous creature. Frozen with fear they had crouched in the junk heap and watched it approach.
"We'll be ok Sanjay."
"Isn't this the same bridge..."
"Yeah, it's where you last played football with father. Don't worry we'll find them."
***
Hope you liked it! I would love to get your honest critiques. Don't forget to check out all of the other great entries!
Kathy :)
I do wonder what happened to them.
ReplyDeleteMinor critique: It'd be easier to read if it didn't look like one paragraph. Also this line: "We're not supposed to be hear in the rain," "Hear" should be "here."
Otherwise, good job. :)
Stop doing this, such unfulfilled anticipation and mystery. Loved it :)
ReplyDelete"Golden aura of swirling light"...I love that description. Good job! Kathy!
ReplyDeleteInteresting and engaging. Made me want to read more!
ReplyDeleteinteresting scene with lots of possible outcomes! very good =)
ReplyDeleteLoved your description of the monster!
ReplyDelete#38
Me too! Your description of the monster was great!
ReplyDeleteNice entry. It could have been a little smoother at the beginning, but it got better as it went along. (hear/here, as someone commented before - an easy mistake to miss, since Word doesn't catch it) I liked the tension. Good job.
ReplyDeleteMelissa Maygrove #14
Nicely done!! I wonder what the creature was and what happened to the family.
ReplyDeleteI like your use of words and how you brought in the prompts.
ReplyDeleteWhen it's about the injury, however, I it seems a bit superfluous to first talk about "red liquid" and then "blood".
I also keep wondering why exactly they aren't supposed to be in the rain. Is the rein itself dangerous or just being outside. It's a bit confusing, but you might have explained it with more available words.
The same goes for whoever they want do find. Who are they and why do they need finding?
You see, I wouldn't mind reading more of this, but it would have been nice to have this seemingly missing details in the flash fiction, too.
I'm #82, if you'd like to read and critique mine.
Kathy, you've been tagged on my site http://www.kscollier1.blogspot.com
ReplyDeletePlease check this one out. I think you'll enjoy this one. It's a great chance to get to know you better. Thanks.